At the beginning of this year I resolved to do my best...
...To lose weight...
When I saw this one topping my list I laughed out loud. Let's just toss this one heavily into the WIN column, not because of any actual effort on my part but rather due to the fact that I became an insta-mom to two babies, practically stopped eating or sleeping, majorly began stressing and dropped 30 pounds over the next few months. Yeeeeah. Not an ideal way to lose weight and the "success" of it was tainted by the fact that it was merely a result of me not taking care of myself. But hey, I feel great now. Bonus? Trent lost 50 pounds.
...To go with the flow...
Oh gah. I win at this. When your house has a revolving door of social workers, inspectors, ECI specialists, an attorney, etc, you just gotta be able to roll with it. Just gotta, or else you'll go nuts. I admit to throwing a fit every once in a while when I wanted everybody to leave our family alone, but that's just not how it goes in CPS land. The Anna from a few years ago would not have been able to handle all the craziness we have dealt with this year, but I'm a different person now and I'm proud of how we've been able to go with the flow so far.
...To remain calm...
Um, well, hmm. Despite my success at going with the flow, and many instances where I did indeed remain calm...I also completely lost it a lot of times too. The amount of tears I shed in the first couple months of foster parenting just from the sheer stress of it would fill up a decent sized kiddie pool (which, according to CPS rules, must be emptied after every use and no water left standing, in order to eliminate drowning risk). My car's steering wheel got several beatings. There was one snotty cry fest in my office parking lot in front of two kind bosses who told me to take the rest of the day off as they patted my shoulder and repeated "family comes first". And more than a handful of complete freak out breakdowns in the middle of the night before my baby girl learned how to sleep. But hey, an attorney patronized and chastised me for how we responded to something and I didn't hop through the phone and chew him out. I called practically every doctor in town before finding one that would see my kids and didn't throw my phone against the wall. The kids' mom described silly things from the witness stand that made her doubt the quality of her kids' care with us and I didn't jump up from the courtroom audience to start a cat fight. So...good for me.
...To be a good mom...
How do you even measure this? I usually forget to brush teeth and the TV often comes on too soon and too much. Sister tries to eat dirt and Brother somehow woke up one morning with the corn cob in his bed that he had at dinner the night before. I lose my temper too much and get exasperated very easily. I am often not confident about parenting decisions, even as small as how warm of pajamas should be worn for a certain weather forecast. And for a short time, parenting made me a terrible person to be around.
But you know what? The phrase "I love you" is said in our household about a billion times a day, sometimes whispered, sometimes hollered, sometimes growled. High fives and fist bumps abound. Giggle fests take place during regular games of chase and hide and seek. Discipline is consistent. Daily routine is solid and reliable. Fancy toys are available and so is a giant cardboard box. Songs from Frozen are sung "again?" and "again?" and "again?" Cheeks are kissed and so are "bobos". Vegetables are consumed and so are gummy bears. We trudge along and do the best we can. A year ago I knew nothing about being a mom and now I've got two happy, healthy, funny, adorable kids who call me Mama.
So, here's to 2014. It was absolutely nuts. And absolutely wonderful.
Oh Anna. You are the best! I love your writing and your heart and will. Those kids are blessed.
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