In Which I Bare My Soul About...Babies

During this time when we're simply waiting for our first call from CPS, it seems the cosmic motherhood universe has decided it's out to get me.  It is assaulting me at every turn with...babies.

Every time I open my Facebook, it seems there is a new pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, birth date status or adorable newborn photo.

I saw an acquaintance recently whose catch-up-with-each-other news was that she's expecting their second child.

I'm now one of only two members of my highschool class who has not had a baby...although with only seven of us total, I guess that's not that remarkable.

A funny, boisterous lady we are very loosely connect to through Mission Waco has gotten it in her head that I simply must have a baby and made that very audibly clear last time I ran into her.  I didn't bother reminding her of our foster plans.  She was having too much fun predicting when I'd get pregnant.

Even Young House Love, a DIY blog I follow, is all busy getting a fabulous nursery ready for a baby boy.

Talk of babies  Jokes about babies. Announcements of new babies.  Actual cute babies. Pretty clear what time of life I'm supposed to be in right now, huh?.

You know what my reaction is to this smorgasbord of infant info coming at me from all directions?  

First...genuine and true joy for friends.

Second...envy.

Any you know how that makes me feel?  

Slightly rotten.

Rotten because my joy over other peoples' news is somehow tainted or brought down a notch.

Rotten because if people want to engage in family building conversations with me it has to first be prefaced by a confusing primer of the CPS world.

Rotten because I shouldn't be jealous of other peoples' joy when we made an informed decision not to pursue that route.

It's not like we turned to foster/adopt as a last resort due to infertility, as is the case for some.  We are intentional and determined and excited to see this through.  But the thing is...this foster/adopt stuff is hard...  I knew that going in.  I heard it.  I read it.  Now I'm living it.  We don't even have kids with us yet and I'm realizing that what I heard and read is indeed very true.  This is hard even before the kids show up on our doorstep (which will literally be how they come to us, in the care of a social worker of course).

It's hard now, before actual kids, because so much is out of our control.  In fact, at this point, we're just sitting here licensed, waiting for CPS to call us. Nothing is in our control right now.  For someone like me who can be control freaky on occasion, this waiting is slightly agonizing.  Pair that with the joyous onslaught of all things baby lately and it kind of makes me what to stand on my front porch and holler "SOMEBODY BRING ME SOME KIDS STAT!!!!"  But, considering such behavior might cause the neighbors to call the loony bin on our behalf, I shall refrain.

There's a good thing to come from all this weird envy and potential porch hollering.  It has helped me realize that I'm ready for this.  I see others beginning their parenthood journey and the little pang of envy I feel is because I want that too, in our own unconventional way.  I see happy little family photos and I know that we're headed for that soon too, though you'll have to take our word for it since we won't be able to post it on Facebook.

I'm ready for this.  I want this.  Bring it on.

Like, come on CPS, call us.......