Tuesday, April 29, 2014

When He Cries For Mama But Doesn't Mean Me

Monday evenings are rough sometimes.

The kids have their weekly visit with their mom on Monday mornings and I think Brother gets a little jumbled up and emotionally confused by it, being whisked away from daycare in the middle of the morning to spend an hour with mama in a playroom, only to be soon whisked back to daycare.  It seems to make him a little fragile and melty later in the day.   Either that or he is just not a fan of Mondays.

Yesterday we were traipsing in the door from the car and everyone was more or less happy.  Brother's daily paper from daycare said "great day!"  I set him down.  I put up the baby gate that has crossed our kitchen doorway since he arrived.

He lost it.

I don't know why the baby gate did it and it doesn't matter.  He melted to the floor and began screaming.  At first I thought it was just a random tantrum and I strategically refrained from hovering or paying much attention, while putting Sister in her highchair with crackers and calmly reciting "tantrums do not yield results, Brother", etc.  This went on for minutes and minutes as I tuned it out.  Then I realized I needed to tune in.

This was not just a tantrum.

A tantrum involves flailing, rolling around, flopping backwards and hitting his head.  He was laying more or less still.

A tantrum involves hitting and scratching if you go near him.  He let me touch him.

A tantrum involves wordless screaming and hollering.  He was crying "mamaaa mamaaa mamaaa".

I realized he was not crying for me...

I went to my boy as my heart was breaking for him.  I stooped next to him as he laid on the floor, then carefully picked him up.  I held him in my arms, expecting to be scratched, but he was still.  I rubbed his back and swayed back and forth as he cried and cried and cried for one mama while another mama held him.   I told him I love you over and over and prayed peace and calm for his little soul.  He gulped for air. I gulped back tears.  And there we stayed for a little while, two hearts breaking on the dining room floor.

Slowly we found calm again.  Slowly we found peace.  And apple juice.  And animal crackers.  And finally, a smile.

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

-Rascal Flatts-

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